What are Sexual Fantasies?

Beyond surface level understanding of our most controversial thoughts and why they are important for our personal lives, and integrating erotic intelligence into tech.

This is a complete and nuanced definition of sexual fantasy that goes deeper than the definitions you’ve probably heard before. Knowing what sexual fantasies are opens the way to access and utilise our erotic intelligence in a way that is not currently being addressed in sexology, psychology, intimacy tech, AI or anywhere else.

The way the deVinery Method approaches sexual fantasies is not just a list of turn-ons or a rehashed psychological theory, but a living, breathing map of how erotic imagination operates across explicit, realistic, micro, and unconscious dimensions.

Understanding sexual fantasies is far more important than first meet’s the eye and, frankly, most experts get fantasy wrong. They reduce it to trauma, childhood patterning, social conditioning, or simply preferences. They miss the architecture of the mind, the symbolic genius of the psyche, and the precise mechanism by which fantasy creates arousal, sexual flow state, subspace, tops space, ecstatic experiences and even non-dual ‘Oneness’ experiences… when you know how to harness them.

Take a closer look and you will see that sexual fantasies are our inbuilt consciousness technology deigned to trigger and array of pleasurable and beneficial erotic expanded states of consciousness. This means they also miss the fuller potential of what fantasies can be used for!

If we understand what sexual fantasies are, that gives us the insight and tools to create powerful real-life date night experiences.

• Create powerful, real-life erotic experiences

• Access deeper sexual satisfaction

• A clear way of sustaining desire in long-term relationships

• Navigate relational ruptures with precision

• Unlock a lens for existential self-discovery

• And finally, ethically integrate the mechanics of erotic intelligence into AI companions, sex tech, gaming, dating, matchmaking, film and storytelling and more.

If you know yourself, you can make choices, rather than be swept along by a confusing undercurrent. You can become an artist of the erotic experience. You can harness the wisdom of your erotic intelligence in all areas of your life, not just the bedroom.

If you know how to do this yourself, you can create tech that helps others do this too.

But the first step is knowing what sexual fantasies actually are and being able to recognise their less obvious forms.

Below is an excerpt from my upcoming book The Spirituality of Smut: The Surprising Wisdom of Sexual Fantasies.

It follows on from the Farmer Chapter, which you can read here. But this section stands on its own as a significant contribution to the field of sexuality, somatics, and consciousness and intimacy tech.

Originally posted Mon 7, April 2025 here.

What are sexual fantasies?

Let’s start simple and work our way up to more complexity. In their simplest form, sexual fantasies are the mental part of what turns us on. They are what we think about leading up to sex to get us in the mood or during sex to add fuel to our excitement. Sexual fantasies are stories made up by our own minds. They may be make-believe, but the effect they create psychologically, emotionally and physically is very real. They change our internal state so we can access our arousal - and potentially a whole lot more.

Clearly, when we recognise how fantasies do that, we have a lot more power to recreate those same feelings and shifts in consciousness during real-life sex, erotic experiences or BDSM play. In other words, if you want to have mindblowing sex, you need to understand the role the mind plays in sex!

However, before exploring why we have fantasies, let’s take a look at what they are because fantasies aren't always obvious. In fact, they often show up in subtle, easily missed forms. It is worth reading this section even if you are a seasoned sexpert, because my definition is broader than most.

Common types of Sexual Fantasies

Explicit Sexual Fantasy Scenarios

Some of the more obvious sexual fantasies are explicit scenarios you might imagine in your mind’s eye or see played out in erotica or porn. There is a wide variety of erotic narratives: threesome or group sex, same-sex attraction, public sex, domination and submission, blackmail or exciting new experiences in new places with new people, just to give a few examples.

Impossible or Taboo Sexual Fantasies

Some sexual fantasies may be wildly impossible, like being a Queen with a harem of adoring K-pop stars solely devoted to you, or becoming the favourite pet and sex slave of a CEO billionaire. Even interspecies sex, including tentacle-wielding aliens, vampires or supernatural characters in a novel.

In some sexual fantasies, you get to safely try sex acts that would be unsafe if you did them for real, like unprotected sex in a glory hole with copious, anonymous strangers or being impregnated by your nemeses.

Other fantasies are about having sex with people that would be inappropriate to engage with erotically in real life. Like your boss, your stepmother, someone much younger or older than you, your therapist, or having sex outside your monogamous relationship agreement. Even interspecies sex.

But these obvious examples are just the tip of the iceberg.

Realistic Sexual Fantasies

Some fantasies feel almost real. Like imagining what it would be like to sleep with your cute neighbour, the hotty you saw at the supermarket, or someone you’ve been secretly crushing on. You might even imagine what sex will be like on an upcoming date with a new lover. You could be picturing something primal, or you could be sexually excited by the fantasy of being deeply in love, even if you’ve only just met.

You might also fantasise about what kind of sex you’ll have with your spouse when they return from overseas. You draw on selective, glamorised memories of their touch and become turned on by longing to feel it again.

Micro and Momentary Sexual Fantasies

It’s easy to miss, but it’s still fantasy when you imagine having a different kind of sex than what’s actually happening. Your lover might be touching you tenderly, and you imagine them touching you with more heat and passion.

Sometimes, it’s just flashes: plump, hungry lips, jiggling breasts paired with a moan, or the slow draw of chiselled abs leading your gaze down to the pubic snail trail peeking from under jeans. Or a close-up of genitals in your mind’s eye, with no real awareness of who they belong to. Just pure projection, pure spark.

Have you ever become aroused by a passing image, a fleeting gesture, or a single word that triggered something deep in you before you even had time to form a full scenario? If that gesture happened in your mind’s eye, then that is a sexual fantasy. If the micro-moment happened outside your mind in the room with you, then the reason it was hot is that it reflected and activated your internal erotic narrative in real-time. This is true whether or not you were conscious of your erotic narrative.

While this isn’t a full-blown storyline, it is nonetheless still a sexual fantasy because you are using the finely tuned erotic instrument that is your mind to become aroused. Your body and heart are not separate from the mental. They all play a role in an intricate dance. Yes, even when your primary focus is the quality of touch or the quality of interaction with your sexual partner, there’s almost always a narrative flickering just below awareness! Sometimes, the narrative is about how you are such an advanced lover that you don’t need fantasy!

The fact remains that if you cut off one part of yourself to become turned on, you have cut off your fuller erotic potential. You can only be erotically whole if you include the whole of yourself. And if you insist that sensation alone is the only right way to have sex, you will amputate your lover’s chance to show you who they really are.

Sexual Fantasies can be the Hidden Narrative Playing in the Background of the Moment

But not all fantasies are sparked by images or gestures in the mind’s eye. Some aren’t seen at all. They’re lived from the inside out and projected onto whatever’s happening in front of us. Hidden storylines we step into without even knowing it.

In Australia, we used to have a live TV show called "Thank God You're Here." Famous actors would open a door and step into a scene already in full swing. They had no script, no character brief, no idea if they were walking into a romantic comedy or a murder mystery. They just had to read the room instantly and play along.

Maybe they'd walk in to find someone by the stove in an apron, snapping, "You're late! The guests will be here any minute!" In that split second, they'd have to decide - was this their boss? Their spouse? Their best friend? Should they apologise profusely? Kiss them hello? Act defensive? Their success depended entirely on how well they could read and respond to the unspoken story already in motion.

Whenever I knocked on a new client’s door as an escort, I realised I was stepping into this kind of improvised scene, even when the clients themselves didn’t realise they were operating from their unique erotic narrative. Only instead of a film set, I was walking into someone's most intimate theatre - their sexual fantasies. And just like those actors, I had to instantly understand what role I was meant to play in their unspoken story.

This is actually what we're all doing every time we step into an erotic encounter, whether we realise it or not. We're all constantly reading, projecting, and responding to each other's sexual narratives - those sophisticated stories our minds create to help us access arousal and intimacy. Understanding these narratives is the difference between average sex and feeling truly met and satisfied.

Just as every improv scene has its own hidden script, so too do our sexual fantasies come in wildly different genres. How do you know if you are walking into a playful, primal, romantic, taboo, luminous or twisted game? Are they expecting you to initiate everything while they play coy? Do they assume that if you really desired them, you’d naturally want to worship them as a Venusian Goddess? Do they wish you’d humbly beg to be allowed to touch their body, or pounce on them like a ravenous pirate? Do they assume soft whispers, heart gazes, and intense eye contact are what turn you on? Are they reading your personal erotic narrative or projecting what they think works for every one of your gender? What about you? Are you following your personal patterning, or the one you think they want from you?

Sexual Fantasies can Manifest as Everyday Projections

I want to broaden the definition of sexual fantasies even further to include subtler expressions, because fantasies can show up in the meanings we project onto real-life experiences, just like in the improv acting scenario.

We create and project meaning-making stories onto each other in ordinary circumstances all the time. If you take two different people through the exact same experience - say a trip down the street to buy milk - and then ask them to tell you what happened, each person will have a different story to tell. Even though the situation wasn’t complicated, their psychological processes will encode how they describe the events differently.

Jack might say that he waited patiently in the car while Bill took his sweet time chatting to a friend he bumped into. Bill might say that Jack was too lazy to get out of the car and made him do all the work, and that he briefly said hello to a friend he saw before rushing back to keep Jack from waiting.

It should come as no surprise then that there is an erotic form of this. I cannot tell you how many times I have smiled at a man in a friendly way, only to have him interpret that to mean I was hitting on him! In my mind, I was treating him as I would any other person I met during the course of my day, but he slotted my body language into the pre-existing narrative in his head. “Ooh, she thinks I am attractive! She’s feeling horny like me and is signalling she’s up for fun.”

Another way this can play out is seeing the librarian rub her stiff neck and suddenly imagining her touching herself in more sensual ways. A meaning-making story might then come unbidden about her being horny underneath all her composure, just like you are in that moment.

You fantasise that she’s a wildcat underneath all that quiet dignity, and this projected story might inspire you to ask her on a date. But in reality, she was just rubbing a sore neck. She prefers slow, gentle, sensual sex within a committed relationship. The wildcat you imagined wasn’t her. It was a fantasy built from the ingredients that matched your own erotic wiring; creating the perfect conditions to reduce your own inhibitions and access your own desire. You projected your own turn-on onto her so you could cast yourself in the role of helping her relieve her sexual frustration. That way, your desire felt mutual. It felt safe. It felt invited.

While these examples of projected erotic narratives might seem obvious, don’t be too quick to brush this away as something only other people do. Actually, we all do it. We are fish swimming in water and not realising that water exists because we have nothing to contrast it with.

For example, a heterosexual woman might assume that all women want what she wants, and that if a man truly desired her, he would naturally show it in the exact way she expects. She might believe that her own erotic preferences are simply how all women are wired, rather than recognising them as one expression of a deeper erotic narrative. In doing so, she misses the chance to see both herself and her partner more clearly. She misses out on being able to follow her own erotic wisdom to the core of what she yearns for most and the chance to meet her lovers there.

Even those who are advanced in the erotic arts and who have been part of sex-positive communities for decades, will inevitably have blind spots. They know that everyone’s turn-ons are different, and are brilliant at breaking down the nuance of their desires, but they still miss how their projections distort the relational erotic field.

Some people think the answer to projection is to drop all stories, stay fully present in the moment, and see each other exactly as we are. It sounds good in theory, but it cuts us off from the rich, symbolic language of projection itself. I want to show you that we don’t have to choose. Presence and projection can work together. In fact, when used with awareness, this very mechanism can become a powerful, consensual, and intentional way to evoke deep erotic responses in ourselves and each other.

Sexual Fantasies can be Micro-Moments in Intimacy

If we are going to become advanced in the erotic arts and use our natural inclination for fantasy projection to our advantage, we first need to see its more subtle expressions as they play out during sex itself.

A sexual fantasy can be as simple as projecting meaning onto your lover’s facial expression as they lean in to kiss you. Does that blush and sudden awkward coyness mean they have fallen in love with you? That they are sexually inexperienced, and you need to be the temptation to awaken their primal instincts? Did you just go into a meaning-making story about your whole lives together? Does that feeling of being the special chosen one provide the right psychological safety to allow you to feel your own sexual desire?

What did you imagine your lover was thinking when the corner of their mouth curled in a smile just before they gave you oral sex? Were they smirking at the size and shape of your genitals? Or were they thinking about how they are about to make you have such a great time you won’t be able to help but beg for more? Or maybe they were smiling nervously as they hope to be of service and do a good job in pleasing you? Perhaps they were feeling affection for you and felt delight in giving you oral because they love and adore you? Notice which of these you want it to be. That gives you a clue about your own erotic narrative and what psychological conditions you need to be both safe and excited.

Your lover just closed their eyes and moaned. Does that mean they are surrendering to your brilliant prowess? Does that make you feel big and powerful? Or does that mean they have stopped caring about you as a person at all and are so caught in the throes of passion they are willing to use you for their own pleasure until they are thoroughly satisfied?

Does that moan mean you are a good boy?

A powerful woman?

Nothing but an object to be used?

Notice how even the flash of a microexpression on our lover’s face sets off a narrative in our minds. If the narrative matches our unique erotic wiring, then we become turned on. If it clashes with it, we lose arousal.

Sexual Fantasies as Unconscious Narratives

Many people are unaware they even have sexual fantasies, but take a closer look, and you will find that most do. Not everyone is aware of their dreams either, but dreams are nonetheless humming away in their psyches night after night.

You may have noticed that the farmer in the previous chapter never once mentioned he had a sexual fantasy. In fact, if you asked him outright, he might’ve told you that he didn’t have any! He was just horny and wanted sex with a person with the body type he found most attractive. Female, blonde, busty, curvy, younger than him but not so young as to feel ick about it. He just wanted to feel the touch of a real woman.

However, you can bet your bottom dollar that while he anxiously awaited me to navigate the fields of canola flowers in my trusty panel van, his mind was racing, imagining all sorts of possible scenarios about to unfold. Some of those scenarios would be fear-based and get in the way of his sexual arousal by causing self-doubt.

“Will she find me attractive or think I am too old?”

“Will she think my dick is big enough?”

“Is she into this or is she just doing it for the money?”

But some of those thoughts would be stories that symbolically counter these very fears and turn him on. What would the woman about to walk through his front door look like? Would she drop straight to her knees and suck him off in the foyer, or did she smile sweetly and chatter away with endearing chirps that broke the ice?

Perhaps he imagined her staring straight into his eyes with unashamed sexual hunger while she bit her lower lip, convincing him that she wanted this, too.

Or perhaps she looked at him with big ole doe eyes, exclaiming how impressed she was with his beautiful home, and later giving an even more exaggerated look of amazed appreciation when he unzipped his fly.

Did he imagine guiding her gently into his boudoir like a caring gentleman taking care of someone who looked up to and relied on his lead?

Or did she drag him there by the collar, push him down on the bed, pounce on him like a panther and kiss him hard?

Or did he imagine a sophisticated woman on heat, struggling between trying to keep her dignity and her unbearable need for cock - someone who would eventually cave and submit to his manliness and “take it up the shitter?”

I can tell you one thing for sure. If I could somehow glean what his erotic narrative was and match it, he would think I was great in bed. If I guessed wrong, he’d think I was average in bed at best. Hopefully, you are starting to see a glimpse of how understanding each other’s erotic narratives is a vital part of what makes good sex.

I sure became aware of how important it was pretty quickly as I continued my sex work journey, gained more confidence, left the countryside and started being an escort in Melbourne City.

And I soon discovered I was really good at it.

I also discovered that most people are not so good at it. They think they are reading the other person when, in fact, they are projecting their own erotic narrative onto their lover. They were trying to give pleasure in the way they would have liked to receive it, kind of like what happens with love languages. I mean, if your love language is words of affirmation, and you praise your loved one, but they are craving physical affection or quality time, then your loved one will be left hungry for the expressions of affection that works best for them. I could see that the erotic equivalent was happening in bedrooms everywhere, and earnest, well-meaning lovers of all genders were falling into this trap.

The sex industry helped me become aware of how unconscious most people are of their own sexual narratives and all the problems that causes, because the tropes play out in more obvious ways in paid sex scenarios. Once I could see what was happening, I became aware of the same thing taking place everywhere in non-paid sex, too.

Before we unpack why we have sexual fantasies and the surprising ways they can benefit us, let’s take a trip into brothel culture and take a closer look at how this plays out. However, for now, know that sexual fantasies are not random brain farts. They are stories. And stories always carry meaning. My time as an escort showed me how to read the subtext and make an art form of bringing it to life.

Want to read that next chapter about sexual fantasies and brothel culture? 

Subscribe below to be informed when the next instalment is posted and be the first to find out when The Spirituality of Smut is released. Meantime, the farmer chapter is here.

Convinced you don't have sexual fantasies, or know someone who protesteth too much?

Here is a way to help someone become aware of their sexual fantasies.

Interested in incorporating the deVinery Method of erotic intelligence into your AI companion model, sexology or psychotherapy practice or academic studies of consciousness and sexuality?

Contact Artemisia de Vine to discuss media, sponsorship and licensing opportunities.

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