The Paradox of Love and Desire in Bespoke Matchmaking and the New Era of Dating

Why Great Relationships Need Erotic Intelligence Strategies From Day One

We all want to be loved for our authentic selves, and yet we all need very specific things to ignite our sexual desire. The holy grail is to find both in one person, who also feels the same way about us. In fact, this is pretty much the life quest of most of us, even if we are not completely conscious of it. 

In the modern era of dating, we are not satisfied with having sex based on appearance alone. We want chemistry on a more profound level. We want meaningful sex. Whether it's hook-up fun or committed relationship intimacy, we want to feel as satisfied as we do in our most cherished fantasies. We seek compatible everyday companionship, the magic of melting into each other during lovemaking, and/or the excitement of fireworks in daring bedroom escapades. 

It’s certainly why A-listers seek out bespoke matchmakers.  

The Matchmaker’s Dilemma 

Elite creatives are a breed of their own. They are passionate, intelligent and self-aware, with a philosophical curiosity. They often challenge the status quo and carry a strong sense of non-religious spirituality, along with decades of personal development under their belt. Their success is drawn from story, mythopoetic resonance, and symbolic artistry. They operate with a sophisticated relationship to the unconscious and can feel it when things are in alignment.

When they say they are looking for a partner, the unspoken truth is, they’re seeking a mirror, a portal, a homecoming. They want a playmate to explore the mundane and the meaning of life. They sense that sex can not only be romantic or risque, it can be profound, a wellspring for their creativity, and even spiritual. Eros and creativity are intrinsically interlinked. 

Whether they know it or not, when they knock on the matchmaker’s door, they are answering an unnamable yearning, and they are trusting the discretion and discernment of the rare matchmakers qualified to find it for them. 

While the matchmaker can find someone aligned with their personality, status, goals, values and preferred appearance, that’s not a guarantee that chemistry between the sheets will ignite. You can tick all the lifestyle alignment boxes and even find someone wildly attractive while you are out on a date together, but if you rely on that level of attraction to carry you through to sexual satisfaction, you have misunderstood how erotic intelligence works. 

What makes a good life together is not what makes good sex together. That takes a different kind of compatibility matching. 

And here’s the paradox. 

We all want to find a lover who just magically wants exactly the same things in bed. After all, if they aren’t into it too, we can’t let go and enjoy ourselves. 

But…

No two people have the same erotic patterning. Ever.

The path to activate our most fulfilling sex lives is as unique as our personalities, so the client’s route to sexual satisfaction will never align exactly with the person they’re introduced to. This makes it easy for them to mistakenly believe they haven’t found the “one” yet and reject an otherwise perfect match. 

What is more, love and desire have fundamentally different wisdom to offer us, and engines that drive them, even though they are two sides of the same coin. 

Desire says: I want

Love says: I give 

If you want to be whole, both matter.

Never fear! We may all have unique erotic needs, but this does not mean we are doomed to suppress our desire, feel obligated to role-play our partner’s desire, seek constant mystery and novelty, or cheat to get our needs met. There is hope. 

Great sex and long-term desire must be cultivated.

There are those who still believe the fairytale that great sex just happens magically all by itself, and in the honeymoon period of a new relationship, that can appear to be true. However, the truth is that great sex takes work. Anyone who has already divorced, and wants to get it right this time, knows we need a much more intentional approach. 

How? We have to decide to love, and we must learn how to activate desire in each other in long-term relationships. It is absolutely possible to have the kind of sex life that just keeps getting better and better, but to sip from this holy grail, we need to set up our relationships to understand, cultivate and sustain sexual desire from the get-go. 

Most elite matchmakers help their clients find love and are brilliant at the psychology of great relationships. Some even offer guidance for communicating sexual preferences. Yet very few offer erotic compatibility matching, or can precisely map each person’s unique path to sexual satisfaction, or understand how desire works at the root. 

Most don’t realise that desire has a different language to love, and almost no one knows how to translate between them, or set up the sexual dynamics needed for a rich and vibrant sex life from the beginning. Yes, desire can keep surprising us with its pleasure and intensity, even when our bodies age and life changes. 

Isn’t that what we all truly wish for?

That’s what I do. 

I come in as the erotic intelligence expert to provide the other side of the otherwise lopsided coin. I team up with matchmakers to bring discreet, bespoke erotic Intelligence guidance. The deVinery Method provides a clear way to understand and access the soulful sex clients are really seeking.

The Mistakes Behind Failed Matches

Here’s the uncomfortable truth we don’t want to admit to ourselves. Loving someone does not automatically result in long-term desire. Millions of sexless marriages will attest to this. 

Most people make the mistake of either soldiering on without knowing what to do about it. They compromise until they just can’t anymore, and the spark dies. Or they cheat, break up and look for new relationship energy to ignite their fire again. Round and round they go, thinking they just haven’t found the “one” yet. 

When we cling to the fairytale that the right person will be turned on by the same things we are, and deny that every person has unique erotic wiring, we default to strategies that can never actually work. Staying in denial means we miss out on learning how to have fulfilling sex with the “one” in front of us. 

Here are the four most common approaches, and why they all lead to sexual frustration, and to erasing the truth of desire for one or both partners.

Read more about the 3 paradoxes of desire here.

But once you are trained in The deVinery Method, none of these mistaken strategies are necessary. You will possess the understanding and practical skills to create ongoing, rich date nights where everyone gets to be authentically themselves, seen, wanted and thoroughly enjoyed. You can have different desire needs, and still feel like you are in it together. 

In fact, your erotic life can become a self-perpetuating way to keep discovering yourself and each other for decades. A form of pleasure that not only deepens intimacy but also fuels creative expansion and, for those inclined, opens into something spiritual. 

If you’re a bespoke matchmaker working with elite creatives, and this already feels true in your bones, you’re invited to learn more here. If you are an elite creative, let's talk!

In love and desire, 

Artemisia de Vine

deVineryMethod.com